Happy Non-Mother's Day!

I’ve given today’s blog entry a lot of thought. As someone who has been trying to conceive for over a year, Mother’s Day is an unintentionally crappy day. It’s the equivalent of using birth control when you’re single. Every time you take that birth control pill or insert that NuvaRing, it’s a reminder of how you have little to no chance of getting laid anytime soon.

At first, for today’s blog entry, I was going to collect funny quotes of advice our mothers and/or our mothers-in-laws have given us about trying to conceive. People have either posted or emailed me so many funny stories about things their moms or mother-in-laws have said that you simply can’t make up. Some of my favorites were Sienna (her blog is: http://timetomakeababy888.blogspot.com/) whose mom told her she wasn’t getting pregnant because she had long hair and it was taking up all the nutrients from her body thereby leaving her infertile. Incidentally, Country singer Crystal Gayle, who has floor length hair, also has two children. I’m just sayin’.

Then, there was another woman who emailed me anonymously. She told me that her mother-in-law informed her that if she would just ditch her maiden name and take her husband’s last name once and for all, she’d be pregnant in no time. Huh? Are fetus’s checking ID’s now for last name verification? Really?

After some more thought though, I decided that it might not be nice to make fun of other people’s mothers on Mother’s day… so I was just going to make fun of my own mother on Mother’s Day. I waited for almost a year to tell my mother about our trying to conceive issues. I waited simply because worrying is her hobby. Seriously – some like to sit down and knit or scrapbook. My mom seems to enjoy sitting down and lamenting about everything that could possibly go wrong in the world. After I finally told her about our situation, there was a good month where she couldn’t talk about it without sounding like I was dying from terminal illness. Somehow though, over time, she managed to sound more cheery and even tried to be helpful by making suggestions such as, “Have you tried having sex every other day as opposed to every day?”

I should quickly mention that my mom is a former Catholic School attendee and she’s never been comfortable with talking about sex. Growing up, she always told me that when I wanted to lost my virginity, I should come and talk to her. When that day arrived however, and I approached her about it, she immediately said, “I don’t want to talk about this.” and walked out of the room. Ah, well. She did try.

So when she brought up the every other day suggestion, I thought maybe she was more comfortable discussing the topic of sex. I responded with, “Oh yeah… we’ve tried it all. Every day, every other day, me on top, me on the bottom, him behind…” I believe it was after the “me on top” comment that she lost consciousness. Again, she tried.

After further contemplation, I thought that making today’s blog about joking about my mother wasn’t too nice either so I considered making today’s piece just be about me on Mother’s Day and how I’m still not a mom. That felt too depressing though and I don’t like depressing. I can’t even watch the “Bambi”, “The Lion King” or “Dumbo” as I can’t get through the sad parts. I swear – they should really edit bummer movies for the over emotional. “Steel Magnolias”, for example, could end a half hour early. That way, no one dies, all is well and I don’t have to see Darryl Hannah any longer than necessary.

So, after much thought, I’ve decided to dedicate today’s blog entry solely to women like me; the “Non-mothers” of the world. Through this blog, Twitter and Facebook, I’ve met so many incredibly strong, brave, funny, compassionate women all who want nothing more than to have a baby. They willingly subject themselves to emotional, physical and mental torture in the hopes of having a family. Most don’t do that until after they have kids… but these TTC women put themselves through it without any guarantees of success. It is a true leap of faith.

Don’t get me wrong – To all the mom’s out there, you deserve love and respect today but respectfully, this is my blog and I want to use today’s entry to acknowledge my fellow fertility-challenged friends. So to them, I want to directly say the following:

1. You are brave and for that, you have my utmost respect.
2. Eat chocolate, ice cream, or have a margarita whenever you need one.
3. Never get a haircut or buy a chainsaw when on hormones. Trust me on this.
4. Don’t ever, not for one second, lose your sense of humor.
5. Don’t ever, not for one second, lose hope.
6. Don’t ever, not for one second, watch the show “19 and Counting” on TLC. It’ll just piss you off.
7. Never apologize or feel bad for day dreaming about punching someone in their face.
8. You’re not alone. There are countless out there like us.
9. If you want to be a mother, it may not happen in the way you imagined, but you will find a way to make it happen somehow.
10. Please remember to have sex occasionally just for fun no matter when it is in the cycle.
11. I urge you to tell any of your friends or family who just gave birth all about the nap you took for no reason.
12. Watch RuPaul’s Drag Rage and The Golden Girls as often as possible.
13. Don’t let this define who you are as a person or a woman.
14. Ignore the annoying people… even though there is JUST SO MANY OF THEM.

And lastly, #15: Never forget that we’re not failures. We’ve done nothing wrong and we’ve done nothing to deserve this.

To all my non-mothers out there, from the bottom of my heart, I’m wishing you a happy May 9th. You are my people and I salute you.

Now let’s all go out, eat some sushi, drink some wine and a big cup of coffee, and then put on a bikini, get in a hot tub and enjoy the quiet and freedom! Happy Non-Mother’s Day!