The Infertile Plans a Baby Shower

In keeping with the universe’s infinite wisdom to crap all over me, I’ve been put in charge of planning not one, but TWO baby showers. Yup, you read that right; The Baby-less Babe is planning a Baby Shower. Boo! Shall we all start drinking tequila shots now or wait till the party happens????

Two women at my day job are due this summer. They are expecting presents, worship and a cake in conference room 2B and my boss has put me in charge of it all.

So here are some questions: How do I, a woman who can’t seem to get pregnant, plan a baby shower and not let my bitterness show? How do I order a cake and not inscribe it with, “Good for f-cking you!” How do I write an email invitation to my co-workers that does not contain, “You’re invited to a baby shower! And if any of you sons-of-bitches ask me when I’M having kids, I’ll tap dance on your windpipe. Cheers!” How can I possibly fake a smile for a full hour without simultaneously taking a hallucinogen and imagining Robert Pattinson naked?

One of my non-pregnant co-workers has asked me what theme I'm going to have for the showers. The theme? How about ‘The Baby Shower of Hostility and Resentment’? Does Winnie the Pooh have any decorations for that? Perhaps there’s a paper plate set of Eeyore looking sad wearing a party hat and holding a bottle of Clomid while Tigger does his happy dance in the background? If not, can someone design that and send it to me?

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again; this is nothing personal towards these women. I’m happy for them. I truly and sincerely am, but that doesn’t mean I want to plan a party for them! Besides, having someone who is fertility challenged plan a baby shower for two obviously fertile women is like having a nun plan a sex toy party:

“Um, no... I’ve never used that but it’s a pretty color and has beads. Those are beads, right? Um, yeah, I guess it stimulates something or other. Oh, it feels that good, huh? Really? No, I’m sure God appreciates you mentioning him but just not maybe at that exact moment. Yeah, no, I wouldn’t know cause ya know... I’m a nun and all.”

Obviously, no one at my job knows what I’ve been through nor what I continue to go through. Perhaps if they did, they would throw me an “Infertile Shower”. I could register at Liquors R Us and instead of playing “Guess Mommy’s Tummy Size”; we could play “Guess How Much I’ve Spent on Fertility Treatments”. We could even do our own version of “Pin the Sperm on the Egg” where every contestant would have to be super drunk and spun for fifteen minutes solid before each attempt. Then, as the person accidentally stabs one of the other party goers in the eye, we’d all laugh hysterically and comment on the contestant’s motility issues! Ahhh, what fun we’d have!

This past week, I had to buy a baby present for my brother-in-law (they’re second child is due in a few days), I bought a card congratulating another friend who just announced her pregnancy and I mailed some onesies to another friend who had a baby a few weeks ago. Between buying gifts and cards over the past few years for the fertility fortunate, all while spending money on my own infertility misfortune, I’d BETTER get a shower of some sort. At the very least, some sort of reimbursement check.

Yeah, I know... that's not nice... but it's my blog and I'll be bitter if I want to.

Somehow, I will make the best of this. I’ll get through it with my usual warped sense of humor. As of late, I’ve been singing Tina Tuner’s “We Don’t Need Another Hero” but I’ve changed the lyrics to “We Don’t Need Another Shower” and that seems to ease some of the jealously. Whatever it takes, right?