Take My Polyp… Please!

As some of you know, I perform stand-up comedy from time to time. When I was younger and single, I use to perform on a regular basis. These days, I prefer staying home and writing in my comfy home office. It gives me more time with my husband, I don’t have the same intense pressure and most importantly, I get to wear my pajamas while being creative. Who else gets to do that aside from prostitutes?

Still, I do enjoy connecting with the public, looking at the humorous side of life and sharing it with others. Also, quite frankly, some shows are just balls out fun.

The best thing about performing stand-up comedy though has to be the overall shared experience of people in general. You see so many of them come in after work; they are stressed, tired, bereft of joy and looking like they desperately need a vacation. During the course of a comedy show, people relate to each other, they connect, and they laugh at universal topics such as marriage, weight, politics, celebrities, taxes and death. What could be better and more stress relieving than laughing at the sh*tty things in life? Whenever I see that same group of people at the end of a show looking lighter, happier and less homicidal, I feel like we’ve provided a service.

In my routine over the years, I’ve shared a lot about my life. Whether it was dealing with my family, trying to be successful, struggling as a single person (my bad dates could have filled several books), or being newly married, I’ve never had a problem putting my issues on stage and making fun of it. So, I’m kind of in an awkward spot at the moment since I know I should get on stage and share my struggles of infertility. Lord knows that I’ve built up enough jokes over the past year and a half!

Is that egg white cervical mucus or are you just happy to see me?

I’ve been trying to conceive for over a year and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!

I’m not having this much sex because I enjoy it people!

I said, ‘Doc, you could at least by me a drink before you inseminate me!’

I don’t know if my eggs are grade A or scrambled or fried!

The trouble is that the topic feels TOO personal. I’m still very much in the middle of it that I don’t yet feel comfortable getting up in front of two hundred people and being like, “Take my polyp… please!” Ba-dum-bum-bum!

It’s not that I don’t have a sense of humor about it and it’s not that I’m ashamed. I just don’t know if I want that many people all up in my fallopian tubes.

I also REALLY don’t want nor do I need strangers coming up to me afterwards saying things like, “Have you tried doing it doggie style?” or “My grandmother used to say that the man should leave his socks on.” Trust me, when a two drink minimum is involved, people’s sense of boundaries become fuzzy.

One time, I was in the bathroom after doing my set and while I was in the stall, someone woman I couldn’t even see said to me, “I loved your joke about going to the gynecologist by the way. It reminded me of the time I had this yeast infection and my husband mistook my Monistat tube for his toothpaste…”Ok... A) I’m in the middle of peeing. B) As f*cking hilarious as that story is (and it is), I don’t really know you and I’m not sure I want to hear about your yeast infection nor do I think your husband would appreciate you telling me this story especially since I’m SO putting it on my blog for everyone to read and C) No really, I’m seriously in the middle of peeing in here.

I have a big show coming up next week so I have a couple of days to decide what I want to do; if I want to talk about it, how much I want to talk about it and whether or not I’m capable of fending off that much unwarranted advice in one night.

Yes, I want people to laugh at my fertility issues with me as it helps. I also especially want anyone in the audience who suffers with the same struggles I do to know they are not alone. Truly - infertility must not be taken too seriously. You’ll go insane if you let it control your life or affect your self esteem. There’s so much in this world, in all our lives to be proud of, laugh about, enjoy, share and of course, make fun of. In the end though, this is my issue and I’m not sure I’m ready to make it a full on public punch line. The only ones I want laughing at this right now is you (yes, you!), my husband, trusted friends and mostly, me.