The Etch A Sketch Conception

When I was a kid, I loved Etch-A-Sketch. I loved the idea of taking a clean slate, putting whatever the hell I wanted on it (even though I could never work those effen’ knobs the way I wanted to) and then, when everything looked like a big mess, shaking it clean again.

I think it’s time to shake my internal Etch-A-Sketch clean.

Let’s briefly review: My name is Jay and I’m a freelance writer in the Big Apple. I’ve married another writer; who is adorable and possess the cutest butt you ever did see (not that that’s relevant but I just like mentioning it). We got married two years ago and in that time, fertility issues and financial crap from the fertility issues have attempted to sh*t on our dreams. Trust me – that’s the nicest way I could put it.

We’ve gone through more ovulation prediction kits than I care to remember, three inseminations (one on Valentine’s Day… how romantic!), one IVF, an incompetent asshole doctor, insurance bills up the ying yang, and one recent uterine polyp removal.

I’ve been to acupuncture, a hypnotist, and a spiritual healer. I’ve tried cough syrup, baby aspirin, raspberry tea, evening primrose oil and bargaining with both god (if he could get the Virgin Mary knocked up, you’d think he could help my sorry ass out) and the devil… depending on my mood and hormone levels.

Almost everyone we know has gotten pregnant in the last few years (or at least it feels that way) and some even got pregnant more than once without issue. Despite it not being the best attitude, I remain bitter about this and will most likely continue to feel bitter about it. I like my tea with Spelnda and I like my blog with bitter. That’s just the way it is.

That brings us to today. It’s my second cycle after having my uterine polyp (today’s Cycle Day four for those playing along at home). Last cycle, even though it was the first time trying without my polyp, I was still working through my feelings from the past year and a half, plus, I had fallen out of practice in all my ‘trying to conceive’ efforts. “What days do I start peeing on the ovulation prediction stick again? What’s the happy face mean? Did I take my temperature? Where the hell did I put that thermometer? Wait, that’s not a thermometer!”

After my “polypectomy”, my uterus was clean (so to speak) and ready to begin again, but clearly, I wasn’t. This working towards getting pregnant thing can take a lot of you especially when it does NOT go smoothly. I needed a moment emotionally and psychologically. I am feeling better though these days. My funny bone has healed, I remembered that I actually like sex (funny how these things slip you mind) and dammit – I just want to enjoy this again.

So I’m shaking the last two years off and cleaning my ‘Trying-to-Conceive-Etch-A-Sketch ’. I’m treating myself well, keeping expectations in check (as you may have read in my last blog entry), I’m focusing on the positive (while still indulging in the occasional bitterness), I’m getting the candles, thermometer and ovulation prediction kits out, and I’m hoping for the best. If this month doesn’t work, I may have to start thinking about why I liked the Slinky and if there’s anything metaphorical about it to getting knocked up!