It's the Great Infertile Charlie Brown!

Last night I dreamed that literally everyone I know had a brand new baby. All my time was spent sending cards, receiving baby announcements and buying baby gifts for other people. I woke up knowing that although it was an exaggeration, it wasn't that far from the reality. It's exactly like all the kids on "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" They all got candy. Charlie Brown got a rock. Me - I'm always getting the rock.

It's Halloween and I have PMS. The more time goes on, the more I realize that I don't actually have 'two week waits'. I have a one week wait, and then a week of all the PMS symptoms that a girl can handle; cramps, back ache, breakouts, nightmares, moody, weepy, migraines and retaining water. Yes, I've heard it a hundred times that PMS symptoms are similar to pregnancy symptoms but after going through this for almost two years, THIS is what happens every time, and every time, I get my period.

I wish all of us infertiles could wear the truly scary costumes today. We could go as a Clomid Pill, or a misshapen sperm or perhaps an ovarian cyst. I'm so annoyed at Aunt Flo for making her way back into my life that wearing these costumes would be a statement to the fertile community at large: I'm pissed. I'm infertile and I will not be ignored.

Despite my rant, I've genuinely been trying to be more positive and more proactive. I can't control whether I get pregnant or not, but I can control how I deal with it and how I deal with life. And for the last week, that's been good.

After months of soul searching, therapy, talking to my husband as well as trusted friends, I decided to write a letter to our first reproductive endocrinologist. I had been working with him for years as my gynecologist. He also is a Reproductive Endocrinologist so when we decided to get pregnant, I thought it was a perfect progression as he was already well acquainted with my privates. They don’t like meeting new people. They are shy.

To review, we worked with this doctor from January 2009 through till May 2010. During this time, as you may or may not know from reading my blog, we tried rounds of clomid and having timed sex, three inseminations and one invitro. When all of these failed, I decided to get a second opinion. It was then we discovered that I had a sizable uterine polyp (a.k.a. "Jackson Polyp"). The polyp was practically giving everyone the finger and waving. My new RE and the technicians in the room were downright shocked that it was missed.

To be clear, no one can prove that the polyp was the hold up. It couldn’t have helped and even though I was only a Theatre Major, my guess is if you have a huge bitch ass polyp, you probably shouldn’t do things like IUIs and IVFs. Again, I’m not a doctor but it does seem like if some foreign intruder is loitering in your uterus, it might be best to remove it before having invited embryos implant.

The polyp has been gone since July and as it's becoming clear to me, I’m still not pregnant. The questions have been A) Can I sue the first doctor? B) Do I ask the first doctor for free fertility treatment since he missed ‘Jackson Polyp’? C) Do I even have a case if I still haven’t gotten pregnant yet (there may be other issues for all I know) and D) Did he actually do anything wrong or was it an honest oversight?

Again, after talking to lawyers and my circle, we decided the best action was to move on and accept that we’ll never know what could have been. We only know what is now. However, it was important to me that he at least knew what had happened if for no other reason than it may inform his handling of patients that still go to him for fertility treatment.

So I wrote him a letter. I resisted the urge to simply write, "F*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you!" and I composed the following:

Dr. Idiot (Real name isn't used):

As you know, several months ago I requested copies of my records in order to get a second opinion on why I haven’t gotten pregnant yet. Upon doing a sonogram, the doctor immediately noticed that I had a sizable uterine polyp. I returned the next day to do a hysterogram which confirmed that I had what Dr. Superior described as “a larger than average sized polyp”. He believes that considering the size of the polyp, it has probably been there for over a year. If this is correct, it would mean that I had the polyp the entire time we were going through the three IUIs and throughout the entire InVitro procedure. In July, I had surgery to remove it.

I asked Dr. Superior's office to send the enclosed copies of their records, which I thought would be of interest to you.

Dr. Superior told me that we can’t know for sure but it’s very possible that having a uterine polyp of this size could have prevented implantation, rendering futile all our fertility attempts this past year. If this is in fact correct, that would be heart-breaking both because of the physical and emotional strain my husband and I experienced and the sad fact that we used up all our insurances fertility coverage on procedures that appear to have had little chance of being successful as long as the polyp was there.

I wanted to make you aware of this in the hopes that it will be helpful in treating your existing patients. I’m sure this was an honest oversight but unfortunately, it was a very costly one for me. Sam and I are now trying to figure out our options.

And that was it. I stated the facts, let him know how I felt without being overemotional and I sent it off. I don't know if he'll write back. I don't know if he'll even give a sh*t but it felt good to write it. I guess we all have a letter in us to someone that needs to get out. That was mine.

Despite this act and despite my best efforts, I can't help but be bitter and frustrated today. Dare I say it on Halloween but I'm haunted by the last year and a half. I rethink things I should have done, I blame myself, I wonder for hours at a time why I can't get pregnant, I worry there's another problem they don't know about and I'm just so, so, so down that I once again have PMS. I guess it's good that there is plenty of chocolate around today. I'm going to need it.

Also, and I realize I'm totally venting now, but every time I think about Mariah Carey saying that doing acunpuncutre an hour a day helped her get pregnant, I want to stick her with a needle myself. I'm all for stress management and I certainly need it but I don't have the money or the luxury to have a personal acupuncturist who travels with me every where I go to help mellow me out.

I, of course, applaud any celebrity that comes forward with fertility issues (I'm glaring in your direction Miss "Oh, I just prayed a lot" Jennifer Lopez), but for them to give advice sometimes is just patronizing. They have incomes I will never come close to. They have a staff to help them do everything whether it's a fertility cleanse, or a special diet, or jetting off to the best IVF doctor in Berlin. I've got me, my husband, our limited finances, and HCG shot in my fridge and at the moment, a cheerleader costume that has the letters "IVF" across the chest.

This is a low day - I admit it. I'll get better though. I'll snap out of it. I always do but for now, I'm going to use this Halloween to be an evil, venting, frustrated Cheerleader who is about to get her period. And if I get a rock instead of candy, I just may use it to throw at either my first RE or Mariah Carey. I haven't decided yet.