My Fat Infertile Ass

The other day, I was standing on the street corner and there was a woman standing next to me who was both pregnant… yet thinner than I was. My stomach sunk as I was overcome with jealousy. It’s sad when you start thinking, “If I’m going to be fat, can I at least be fat for a reason!” To be heavy with no babies or pregnancies to show for it just seems wrong. Somehow, thanks to bad genes and over a year of on and off hormones, I have baby weight… with no effen baby!

I gained about ten pounds from my InVitro in April of this year and despite the fact that the money I spent on IVF has all disappeared, the fat has remained. Call it a parting gift.

Even before I took any Clomid, Gonal-F or any other colorfully named hormone though, I had been having trouble losing weight. I worked with a nutritionist for over a year logging every calorie on a daily basis taking in anywhere from 1200 – 1500 calories and I only lost about two pounds. Even my nutritionist was confused. My body didn’t want to seem to let go of the fat no matter how many times I hit the gym or how little I ate. I was destined to be curvaceous like it or not.

I went to see an endocrinologist who tested my thyroid, my hormones, and my glucose levels and the only thing that showed up was a nodule on my thyroid. Although it has to be watched, my doctor didn’t think it explained why I couldn’t lose weight.

I’ve tried Weight Watchers, carbs, no carbs, shakes, walking, running, skipping, jumping, hula hooping, aerobic like sex and even hip hop aerobics despite my lack of coolness. Again, nothing worked. I don’t eat crap; I have regular servings of vegetables, fruit, water and fiber. I don’t eat anything fried, my desserts are either peppermint tea or a half cup of fat free frozen yogurt and I haven’t had a potato chip since 1998. It pisses me off. I feel like every time I meet someone new, I want to say to them, “I shouldn’t really be this heavy… just so you know. This is a mistake.”

It’s not that I’m huge or so dangerously overweight either. I can range from anywhere from a size 12 to a 16 depending on where I’m shopping and how the outfit is cut. Thanks to make-up, control top pantyhose, the right bra, Velcro rollers, nice heels and appropriate clothes… I could even pass as attractive. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again -- it takes a lot of money and time to look naturally beautiful.

Lately, I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic and wonder if it’s related. Is whatever mystery reason I can’t lose weight the same reason I can’t get pregnant? Will I ever know? Will I ever either drop a few pounds or get knocked up? Inquiring minds want to know!

It sucks too that while you’re in your two week wait, you’re told not to do anything to aggressive in terms of exercise. Well, actually, I’ve heard different things on that… some say its fine, some say it’s not, some say it depends but for me, I’d rather be cautious and take it easy. This means that I usually work out like a maniac from cycle day 1 through till ovulation and then, I try to take very leisurely walks in between ovulation and the inevitable arrival of my period. Any which way, it’s not working. In the last month, I’ve lost exactly one pound. Yes, it’s better than gaining but when you’re 'Sweating to the Oldies' and trying to diet, you expect more of a result... or at the very least... invisible cellulite. SOMETHING!

If we do end up doing IVF 2.0 in 2011 (which looks inevitable), I REALLY don’t want to gain another ten pounds. I’ve got to figure out how to handle the next month or so to try and get some weight off. I just don’t want to have to cut off an entire limb to make that happen!

Damn you infertility! Kiss my fat ass!