There Will Be An Answer
This week, I’ve felt a lot like a boxer in the ring trying to fight the good fight. Whenever I’ve gotten hit hard or I feel like I’m losing, I’ve run to the corner hysterically crying (which I’m pretty sure Mohamed Ali never did) and either my husband, my family, my friends, my blog readers, my Twitter or my Facebook folk gives me a pep talk and then sends me back into the ring to kick some ass.
Actually, I’ve either been given a pep talk or some cookies or brownies. All of the above have been helpful.
Also helping to keep me sane has been the week off, good weather and my deck in the backyard. I’ve never been good at mediating (I always start making a mental to do list instead which defeats the purpose) but for some reason, lying on my lounge chair looking up at the sky has been therapeutic. We live somewhat near an airport, so there are planes that fly over almost every ten minutes. It’s not very loud which is good and there are all different sorts of planes that I’ve enjoyed watching. I wonder where they’re going, who is on them, if they are headed on vacation or to a family obligation. Not only do I find this relaxing but it may be the closest I come to a vacation given our financial situation.
“What did you do on your vacation Jay?”
Actually, I’ve either been given a pep talk or some cookies or brownies. All of the above have been helpful.
Also helping to keep me sane has been the week off, good weather and my deck in the backyard. I’ve never been good at mediating (I always start making a mental to do list instead which defeats the purpose) but for some reason, lying on my lounge chair looking up at the sky has been therapeutic. We live somewhat near an airport, so there are planes that fly over almost every ten minutes. It’s not very loud which is good and there are all different sorts of planes that I’ve enjoyed watching. I wonder where they’re going, who is on them, if they are headed on vacation or to a family obligation. Not only do I find this relaxing but it may be the closest I come to a vacation given our financial situation.
“What did you do on your vacation Jay?”
“I got a needle in my vagina and watched planes fly over my house.”
I really should have taken pictures of either of these events to show my co-workers when I go back to work next week.
Another thing that has somewhat helped my husband and I is that we’ve been listing five things we’re grateful for every day. To be honest, I don’t think this has made a tremendous change in our attitudes but it’s been fun and a positive way to end the day. Things on my list have been my friends, this blog, how comfy our bed is and that I’ve not worn a bra or make-up for a whole week. My husband’s list has included that I’m his wife, his recent haircut, the show ALIAS, and how much he loves a cup of coffee.
The progesterone in oil shots have not been as bad as I thought they would be. I also have enjoyed telling random people that my husband gives me a shot in my ass every night and then not elaborating on what I mean. Its a little way I’m amusing myself.
Of course, I’m sitting here typing this with a painful lump in my left butt cheek so it hasn’t been all sunshine and roses. For whatever reason though, my right butt cheek is hanging tough and taking the injections without complaint. Perhaps my right butt cheek is a bit of a masochist and my left is a bit of a pussy (well, as much as a butt cheek can be a pussy).
I’ve also been thinking a lot about my life as lord knows I’ve had the time this week. Oprah on her final show said that we all have a calling. I love and respect Oprah and she certainly has accomplished a lot but let’s be honest, we can’t all live our calling. I wish we could but we can’t. I can't imagine that the woman who cleans the bathrooms at Penn Station thinks, "Yes! This is what I was meant to do! This is why I've been put on earth!"
As for me, I would love to be a successful author. I would love to help people. I like making people laugh (even when my ass is sore & my spirits are low like they are now) but I can’t seem to figure out how to make any of that happen. A publisher recently told me he loved my writing but the topic of infertility is depressing. Ok but so is war, the holocaust and Snookie and yet they all have books about them, so why not an amusing book about infertility?
I’ve been pursuing stand-up comedy off and on for many years now but unless you’re Jerry Seinfeld, it doesn’t pay well, it’s almost impossible to move ahead at it and it certainly doesn’t offer insurance. Most comics I know are constantly struggling with money. I suppose it’s a good thing they can have a sense of humor about it… otherwise, they’d really lose their minds.
For a time, I was thinking about becoming a Life Coach but classes cost almost a thousand dollars each and I’ve just spent my savings on my dreams of becoming a mom. When I was telling my mother about this and what Oprah said about following your calling, I said to her, “What do you do if you can’t afford to follow your calling?”
My mom answered, “Then you find a new calling.”
I just don’t think it works that way. I can’t see a person wanting to be a nun saying, “You mean I can’t be a nun? Ok. I guess I’ll be a blackjack dealer in Vegas.”
I realize this is a glib snarky attitude but that’s me: Glib and snarky. Maybe that’s my calling? Can you get paid for that? If Bill Maher does, why not me?
Obviously, I’ve had a tough time lately, I’m a little lost and it goes without saying that I really want this cycle to work. I want to be a mother… that’s always how I’ve seen my life. I also want to be someone who does what they were meant to do (and hopefully get a sh*t load of money for it). I want to wake up in the morning and say, “Yes. This is the life I ordered.”
I’ll share something with you that I’ve never said to anyone; not my therapist and not even my husband. Almost every morning, the second I wake up, the first thing I think is, “One day, this is all going to make sense.”
It’s not the most genius statement and I don't know why someone as glib and snarky as me believes it but without consciously deciding to think it, I just do. It’s just got to make sense at some point. There will be an answer to the endless question that is my life. I don’t know when or how or frankly, if I’m even right about that but it’s a nice thing to think; that there will be a time when I’ll look back and think, “Wow. I get it now.”
I know I’ve said this before but honestly, I can’t say it enough: Thank you so much for all your comments, emails and for reading this blog. I only hope I’ve given to you a fraction of the humor, support and love that you’ve given to me. Many of us our strangers in life but our struggle (be it with infertility or just life itself) bonds us. We can relate to each other’s pain, disappointment and success (whenever we’re lucky enough to have one either big or small).
I may be a big poop but I still believe in the power of people. When you say you’re thinking of me, I know that you are and that isn’t bullshit. I can’t thank you enough for that. I hope we ALL have our happy endings, that our lives will all one day make sense and that we ALL find our callings.
(It would also be nice if we all could have as much money as Oprah but that’s a whole other matter.)
Sending you each love, light and laughs.
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