The Pregnant Infertile

If you read my blog often, you may have read my most recent post called, “But I Can’t Complain”. The post was about how I feel guilty for complaining about my morning sickness after going through years of fertility treatments. So many of your comments were incredibly kind, supportive and generous; especially those of you who are still working towards getting pregnant. I sincerely appreciate it.

That being said, I did receive one anonymous comment on that posting that said the following:

“Boo hoo... you pee and throw up. At least your pregnant you mindless twat. Some of us would kill to feel that way and your complaining. I guess you forgot what it's like, just like every other so called infertile who gets a BFP. Whatever.”

Putting grammar, punctuation and the sentiment of the comment aside for a moment, I do want to acknowledge that this is not only the first time I’ve ever been called a “twat” (at least that I'm aware of) but it’s also the first time I’ve included the word “twat” on this blog. I even wrote it down in my baby book (8/19/11 – First time Jay was called a twat!). I’d like to thank the poster for introducing the word into my blog because let’s face it: 'Twat' is a fun word.

When you get a comment like that (which is almost always anonymous by the way), the debate is whether to publish it or delete it. Some feel you’re rewarding them by acknowledging it and others feel it gives you the chance to respond. I get both sides of that argument and I went back and forth on what was the appropriate way to handle the comment.

It was when someone on my Twitter account asked me, “Is there anything to be accomplished by publishing it?” that things became clearer for me. It’s a damn good question. I don’t think the poster wanted to accomplish anything other than expressing her frustration at her own infertility and that she pretty much f*cking hates me for what she perceives as my ungrateful attitude, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something to be accomplished. This is why I decided to include it in today’s post.

Now bear with me for a moment… do any of you remember Pedro Zamora?  Zamora was on MTV's reality television series, The Real World: San Francisco in 1993. He was openly gay and publicly discussed being HIV-positive. This was groundbreaking television and it was before MTV became the big pile of crap that it is today. Snookie – I’m looking squarely at you.

On one episode, Pedro did some sort of motivational talk to a group of people about what it was like dealing with AIDS. He said (and I’m going on memory here), “I am not dying of AIDS. I am living with AIDS.” When he said this, it blew me away. By changing a few words, he conveyed that even though AIDS was not his choice, it was a part of his reality and he was living with it as best he could.

This quote in a weird way reminds me of how I feel about struggling with infertility and now being pregnant. Of course, there is a huge difference between AIDS and infertility and I don’t mean to compare the two directly. It’s more that I’m not just your average pregnant woman. I am a pregnant woman living with infertility. I’ve taken Clomid, progesterone, various hormone shots, estrogen patches, done three inseminations, three in vitros and suffered through embarrassments, disappointments, physical pain and both financial and emotional strain. Being pregnant, at least not for me, doesn’t erase what I’ve endured and here’s the thing: I don’t want it to.

I’ve begun telling people that I’m pregnant and nine times out of ten when I tell someone, I include either that we had a very difficult time getting pregnant or I tell them point blank that we got pregnant through our third IVF. Granted, I’ve gotten some odd comments when I tell people this. My favorite was a co-worker who said, “How do you know it’s really your embryo?” Really? We’re going to discuss this over the photocopier? And who asks this???

Anyway, I’m sure my therapist could give you various reasons why I feel the need to add our infertility struggles to my announcements, but if you ask me, I’d tell you that it’s because I’m proud of it. I didn’t just get knocked up by my husband sneezing on me one night. I worked my mother f*cking ass off for it. A fertile woman gets pregnant. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. An infertile woman gets pregnant and she earned it through blood, sweat and tears. LITERALLY.

Plus, not for nothing but going through infertility has introduced me to the MOST amazing women ever that I’m forever grateful to have met. Whether it’s Facebook, Twitter or this blog: I’ve connected with people that have enriched my life. I'm as grateful for them as I am to be pregnant... and that's no bull sh*t.

Recently, I got my blood work back from my NT scan. In terms of the Down syndrome, they said for a woman of my age (which is 37), it SHOULD be a 1 in 142 chance. My blood test results however came back as a 1 in a 109 chance. Technically, that's a little less than a 1% chance but they asked if I wanted to do amniocentesis.

Again, a woman who gets pregnant easily might say, “Sure! Throw it on my tab!” But for me, I don’t know if I can do that. Although amnio is a very common procedure, there is still a risk of miscarriage. Because I am an infertile pregnant woman, I can’t even consider doing anything that might possibly harm this baby. I’m too terrified. We are going to do repeat blood work in two weeks to see if the odds have changed at all and we’ll talk to the doctor and see what she thinks, but this is another great example of what being pregnant after dealing with infertility can do to you. You worry. You obsess. You know how difficult it was to get here and you know how easy it could be to lose it.

So, getting back to my anonymous commenter. This is what I would like to say to her: Although I can’t say I relish your comment and although you may not believe me, I know EXACTLY how you feel. If I’m being honest, I know I’ve even thought that about other pregnant women in the past (well, minus the twat part) but the difference is I didn’t contact them about it.

However, you’re obviously hurting and I knew that particular post might elicit that response from someone. I even mentioned that in one of the last paragraphs of that post… that I was sure some of you would want to strangle me for bitching about throwing up.

Regardless, even though some may say I’m rewarding you or egging you on by saying what I’m about to say, I’m going to say this anyway: If you’re struggling with infertility and you’re having a difficult time, then I truly am sorry that my complaining about morning sickness upset you. I’m also sorry you’re going through this as no one should.

In short, the mindless twat is sending you back love and hope. :)